Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.