It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ’See if you can blow this out.’
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.