I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!”
“I’ll teach you to kick me…’
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says “yes” you know he is a crook.”
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.”
“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”
“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”
“Any place I hang my head is home.”
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”
“I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
“She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.”
“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
“My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.”
“Was that you or the duck?”
“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”
“I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.”
“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,
I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same,
I must be going.”
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
“Hello, I must be going.”
“If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!”
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”
“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck’s terrible.)”
“Chico: “Here’s the book, it’s a dollar”
Groucho: “Here’s a ten, and shoot the change.”
Chico: “I don’t have change I’d have to give you nine more books.”
“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”
“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract– Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?”
― Groucho Marx